Valerian and the City of a Thousand WTF!@#$#????

Dear Luc (Besson)

I spent my beloved $7.90 to watch your last motion picture endeavour called ” Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets”.

I would like to start saying that I am not a fan nor a hater of your work, but I appreciated the hours of fun and sometimes clever entertainment you have given me over the years.

Lucy (2014) was just great, the brilliant story line in a very technological future. It was weird and a bit “out there” at times but let’s face it…Scarlett Johansson can make anything just roll off so easily on screen. I was a bit of an easy win there…still was fun to watch. 

I know you’re a futurist freak and love to play in the world of crazy planets and intergalactic connections.

The Fifth Element (1997) is a proof of that journey that you so much love to take and make us “viewers” follow you. That one was not that bad…crazy: yes! But not horrible and quite entertaining.

On the other hand, you made a lot of steamy poo poo too.

The Transporter, The Transporter Refueled and also Transporter (the series) are screen stories that should never have been written; let’s be honest those should not be filmed and I must admit that I do not like Jason Statham and I’d rather pull my eyes out of the sockets with a baby spoon full of cow fertilizer risking a really bad infection and permanent eye loss than watch anything where this guy acts, but I can give you the fact that you love action just for the sake of it, with no great story line and for a matter of fact lacking any logic attached to it either.Just BOOMS and BANGS and tons of explosions. It gets the testosterone pumping and that’s a WIN for the male public.
Other examples are the Taxi 1, 2,3 and 4 & Taken 1, 2 and 3. How many times can you make a sequel of something really bad????Still, testosterone pumping works… 

Anyway…this is just to set the tone for giving my 2 cents on your last journey in the realm of fantastic/futuristic stories.

 Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets must be by far the 2nd worst movie I’ve ever been to and those are absolutely 2h 17min of my life that nobody will ever get back to me. I’ve seen a lot of crappy movies, lately especially; that I must not be too proud of it at all to even give you a full list. But this one is on my TOP HIT list of bad of the worst!!!! I might even consider some of the bad movies I’ve seen so far masterpieces of the movie making industry because of that! So, in short, my bar for bad movies is very low right now and thanks to you, Luc Bebe.

Last time I’ve spent so much time staring at a screen and feeling like I wanted to be bitten by a Colombian golden poison arrow frog and injected with alkaloid toxin so that I could have a heart attack and just be put out of my misery, not feel obliged to watch this torture for the ears, eyes and neurons that I might have left, was not that far ago but I just felt really miserable watching this, it was worse than Seven Years in Tibet (more like 7 years in HELL watching it) and that one was really like living through someone pulling out my toe nails one by one with a pair of tweezers!!!!! At least Brad Pitt flawless hair saved that one for me; this Valerian thingy bullpoopoo had no redemption at all!

Not mentioning the constant expression of WTF, I’ve had on my face the entire time!!!I might have gained a couple more wrinkles thanks to you again, my French Teddy Bear!

Why did I not leave the movie theatre you may ask if it was that bad???

My dearest, Luc, I did not leave because I’m slightly affected by OCDs and I cannot start something and not finish or I’ll not sleep for days with the flesh eating feeling that I did not complete something.

Lucky for you and not so much for me I HAD to stay until the end. I wished in that 2h 17min that I would fall asleep and forget that I was watching your movie or just that the ceiling would follow on my head causing a concussion and making me have temporary amnesia, but that did not happen. I watched the whole thing…

Valerian_3dH4h1H

I cannot even begin to express my total and complete disappointment for this movie.

Let me just tell you that I get that you want to be cool and maybe young at heart and all that jazz… so you want to bring on screen the “cool” kids…the hot ones…

But, my teddy bear Luc, Dane DeHaan is not cool. He’s forced in acting and looks like has not slept since he was 4 years old. You can carry groceries for 2 months on those bags under his eyes. His tone of voice is so boring and can we please tell him that he’s NOT and will never be Keanu Reeves even if he tries that hard to sound like him…it was a big big failure. He’s not attractive to look at and not even pleasant to listen to. It’s like listening to someone scratch on a blackboard for 2 hours. It makes you want to stand up and scream for him to become mute all of a sudden. 

We also have my favourite part …the “new” hot thing everywhere that you cannot get enough from magazine covers to fashion campaigns Cara Delevingne; I get that she’s the HOT new actress/model or whatever…but she’s not good. It’s like comparing oranges to bananas and telling yourself that they taste the same. She has one look only aka expression (she must have watched too many times ZOOLANDER and got stuck with the MAGNUM expression) and can we tell her too that we know she’s a TOP MODEL but she does not need to catwalk in the entire movie like it’s a Victoria Secret fashion show…distracting… you’re cute…we got that and that’s it!!!

But a big fat cherry on top of the S$#%T show is that you also cast Rihanna???!!!

OMG!!!! I knew that before I entered the movie projection room but still…WTF!!!!

Why does everyone want to be an actress nowadays… why???@!!!!!! I guess we cannot get too tired of seeing her shake her booty on videos; we needed her to do JUST that also in movies!!! GREAT!!!

Luc, you worked with freaking Scarlett Johansson, Liam Neeson (well…he agreed to act in Taken; which is not that good either), Natalie Portman, Gary Oldman not to mention the French GOD of movies Jean Reno. You made Léon (1994), a true masterpiece :-). Come on!!!!

It seems quite obvious to me that you would now settle for the giant, experienced and amazing actors you decided to smash in this pull of regret and sorrow that is Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. (I am being ironic!!!) 

But let’s go a bit more in details with the story line of this movie…

In short (SPOILER ALERT):

A planet in the galaxy that is like infinite accidentally goes BOOM!!!Bad stuff…

So 2 top agents of HUMAN BLA BLA are flying around the space for who knows what reason, flirting and making non-sense scenes…then 1 of the 2 gets connected to a dying inhabitant of that planet a BAM he’s her “soul”…”spirit”..whatever you call this…just very original so now they’re one and the same and he feels it…

The 2 agents go around fighting bad dudes and accidentally, again, discover an evil plan and race that was supposed to be vanished still exists plus there is an evil plot to cover up the BOOM in the meanwhile that 2 agents fall in love. While all this is happening very quickly because they have nothing better to do, except save the City of a Thousand Planets, that is just a big mesh of immigrants from all over the galaxy who live together and share knowledge, culture and kumbaya… In the centre of the city there is something sinister that needs to be taken care of.. or maybe not… or is just something else… a “bad/good” officer (Commander Arun Filitt) has an evil plan and the 2 agents need to find out and save the day!

They save the city and the race that was not supposed to be there then they end up kissing and finally: THE END!!!

Hmmmm…let me think for a 0.978787 seconds about this story line…

Never heard a story like this before.81df12c63cb45f070471ae6e156aa83737141e75c8ee77bf938057e312b53495

This seems like a Chernobyl child of Star Wars and Avatar. This is not original nor interesting enough… It’s just really bad narrative with a lot of CGI!!! A LOT OF CGI…

There is already a Star Wars and it’s made by George Lucas, who is the creator of real interstellar masterpieces…

Luc, why did you copy his concepts to put this BANANA show on???!!!

The 2 heros ending up in a garbage compartment …Already seen that in…let me think… Star Wars!!!

Trash Compactor_Star Wars

Untitled

And also the BAD guy aliens, who look pretty much like Jabba the Hutt in…Star Wars!!!

And City of a Thousand F%$%#s that it’s a bit like… DEATH STAR!??? It sounds familiar, eh??!!! in…Star Wars again!!!

Commander Arun Filitt looks a lot like… Grand Moff Tarkin in…Star Wars, maybe???!!

Too many similarities, my sweet Teddy Bear, Luc!

This movie was so boring that I would have rather cut my own tip toes with a blind blade and feed them to an alligator than have to watch it again.

Luc. this movie did not need to be made… are you having a middle life crisis and trying to fit in with the cool kids??!!!Please don’t!!! Don’t make a Part 2!!!! I beg of you!!!!Or 3 or 4….NO!!!!!

And how on Earth did you get Clive Owen and Ethan Hawke to agree to act in this barbarity??!!!  I guess there are no more interesting projects for the 2 “old school” former hotties of Hollywood!!!!

I felt like a gummy bear on a burning stove when I saw both of them acting in this obscenity of a movie.

The only feeling of pale positivism that I can share after being abused neurologically and sensorial speaking, my dear Luc is:

One only interesting scene here below because that’s really pure “fantasy” and totally unnecessary not to mention why??? why is this scene there??? TELL ME PLEASE (I’m losing sleep over it!)….WTF!!!! Was this to further showcase the reason why Cara is in this movie? Or just to make this dude look really bad…and awkward even more than he has already been in 2h 17 minutes!

This scene is just there to add nothing to a movie full of nothing except the “copied” parts from…Star Wars!!!

Gerelateerde afbeelding

And this is the most expensive French movie EVER!!!!!!!

 

 

 

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