I often wonder if it’s true we are confined by the walls we build and that is true…what is not true (for most) it that the first step to recovery or HELP yourself and therefore: acknowledgement.
I know I am my worst enemy and when I build walls there is nothing able to take them down. I might let a hole or two to be made so you can take a peek at the other side but there is NO WAY that they will come down. Back to the fact as my best friend Freud says that everything fucked up about ourselves come from childhood…I totally agree! My parents screwed my possibilities of being a perfectly normal human being big time in all directions possible and I’m the result of what they made me, the fears they created in me from Abandonment Issues – to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and then back to Daddy issues…It takes 2 to raise a child but it takes only one to fuck them up…and in some cases 2…Lucky me!!! Yeah!! Pity party on the way…please bring some booze and balloons,
I just don’t like to be a victim to my own issues that were out of my control so Pity Party is cancelled.
I am the only person responsible for not being a normal person (please let’s not define normality today…so bare it with me on this one) and I would say if the cow says the grass is red and hot (flames) why ruin her party …let her become a BBQ in the flames,
I learned , as everybody else at the brink of insanity, to tame my demons and slowly to cage them. Yes, it takes time and you might leave some corpses behind…but at the end of the day who commits no sins can throw the load of stones. We all think we know better and we can solve other people’s issues and we may have the same but looking in the mirror is not always an option. Mine (mirrors) are made of wood, so I am good!!!
Issues ….they are a funny little thing… you can ignore them and pretend they do not affect you. Still, they are there. They never leave. They never move and I am the one to have to deal with them thanks to lack of guidance in life and care…and many other things that I will not further analyse since I am not a fan of throwing myself a big old PITY PARTY!!! I am just stating the simple truth…for now.
This is just a little scope in what really happens inside my mind , sometimes, I am very good in being bad to myself. I can psych myself out of pretty much anything in the blink of an eye. AMAZING!!! I amaze myself at times at how powerful and inventive the mind is in tricking me in finding 198989 reasons why not to do something or just do it and deal with the consequences eventually.
Am I setting myself up for failure? Oh hell yeah!
Am I my worst enemy? Absolutely!
Then, some would say, I should try to help myself and do better or be better or anything else. But there come the comfortable place where we all live and can explain anything – Hypocrisy.
Am I a hypocrite? yes, I am. So is everyone else (at least once a day).
I live by the simple principle :DO WHAT I SAY BUT DON’T DO WHAT I DO!!!
I am mostly one of those people who can be a great adviser and see the logical side of things when it concerns someone else’s life and when it is my own…not so much!!!
I also from time to time live in total oblivion DENIAL … what a great place to be!
I deny when I am in trouble or just go blind on my own things and pretend there are not there at all, ever!!!!
We have all been there and done that and all that jazz and bla bla bla…
I know you heard it all before but as I would say: Unless truth slaps you in the face, punch you in the nuts, stabs you in the back and spits in your mouth… you’ll not admit you are wrong. This is how I do it and even with all the bruises, I might deny it.
At the end of all this, I think that if it is broken but still works why fix it? Right?!!!
We all look for that second of happiness and if I can feel it when my friends say they love me and I am great once in a while then I have found it. No matter for how long I had it and will have it again.
You are what you build for yourself and making it harder for you can only harm one person more than others :YOU! So try not to do it and always find 1 little reason for small it might be to live and smile and believe me…it will be worth for you 🙂 It is not easy and successful and it takes hard work but being a victim and blame it on others, situations, fate , the sun, global warming, the TV, the aliens or anything insane you can come up with… it’s not good only for you!! Trust me!!! I can blame Ali Baba and the 40 thieves for something that is wrong with me and I do not even know the guy and his mates!
You are the clay of yourself and you can mould you as you like, (Am I being a hypocrite??!! Hell yeah… I am not doing anything I just wrote in the last 10 lines…but hey…nobody’s perfect!)